so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
