just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
