You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
