If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
