peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Every concussion has its silver lining
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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