Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
