John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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