dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
3 2 1 whiskey
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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