I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
