My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
