I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
