i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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