My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
