I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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