My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize