i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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