I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
