I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
