matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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