Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
