he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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