Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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