I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
