either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
