Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
