What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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