I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
