i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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