you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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