I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
