Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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