I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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