Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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