you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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