Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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