sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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