totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
