the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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