Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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