Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i believe in u and ur pee
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
