my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
