update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
