Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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