I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
