first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
