I could have mohawked her pubes.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
