apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This is the high leading the old right now
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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