I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
