i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
