i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
