Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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