the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
