Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
