omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The uberlube is also flammable
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize