Absence makes the cock grow harder.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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