My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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