I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
