Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
