I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
sarcasm needs its own font
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
