Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
